Family Traditions

Family traditions…they seemed so much more pronounced during the holidays than any other time of year. Kerry and I were just sharing with the kids, Ryne and Samantha, how they now have the opportunity to begin new family traditions that will begin to define their family for years to come. Such an amazing opportunity for them, as well as for any family. One story that we have shared as a family and have shared with others is the story of “Three Little Trees.” Here is the story for you to possibly share with your family this Christmas and may your lives be filled with traditions that always help you and your family grow in the love of God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

“Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up. The first little tree looked up at the stars and said: “I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I'll be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!" The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on its way to the ocean. “I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings. I'll be the strongest ship in the world! The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. I don't want to leave the mountain top at all. I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world.                                                                                                                            

Years, passed. The rain came, the sun shone and the little trees grew tall. One day three wood cutters climbed the mountain. The first wood cutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the first tree fell. "Now I shall make a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!" the first tree said.                                                                                                                                     

The second wood cutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong. It's perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail mighty waters!" thought the second tree. “I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!" 

                                                                                                                                

The third tree felt her heart sink when the last wood cutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the wood cutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for me." He muttered. With a swoop of his shining ax, the third tree fell.

  

The first tree rejoiced when the wood cutter brought her to a carpenter's shop. But the carpenter fashioned the tree into a feed box for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, or treasure. She was coated with saw dust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals. The second tree smiled when the wood cutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ship was made that day. Instead the once strong tree was hammered and awed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river, instead she was taken to a little lake. The third tree was confused when the wood cutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" The once tall tree wondered. “All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point to God..."  

Many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feed box. "I wish I could make a cradle for him." Her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and sturdy wood. “This manger is beautiful." She said. And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in the world.                          One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake. Soon a thundering and a thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered. She knew she did not have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through the wind and the rain. The tired man awoke. He stood up, stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the king of heaven and earth.

One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten wood pile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hand to her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel. But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed everything. It had made the third tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. That was better than being the tallest tree in the world.”

                                              

The next time you feel down because you didn't get what you wanted, sit tight and be happy because God is thinking of something better to give you.

Merry Christmas!                                                                                                                                                                                                

Joe, Kerry, and Baylee Vivian

The Lies That Lead to Divorce

In the past years that Kerry and I have done marriage counseling, there is usually one common thread that we have encountered; it's the lies that the individuals try to tell themselves so as to justify their dissatisfaction in their marriage. Thus building new lies to justify a divorce. The sad part is, they begin to completely believe these lies.

Currently in America, nearly 55% of all couples who make a vow to love each other “til death do us part” end up calling it quits, so some people believe that the success or failure of their marriage is just a “coin toss” left to chance and completely out of their hands. Kerry and I firmly believe that the basic steps to success in marriage are within your grasp; it’s based on your choice and action...not random chance. It begins by understanding and avoiding some of the strongest reasons why marriages fail. Or better yet, why we allow marriages to fail.

As I stated before, most divorces begin by believing a lie. Here are some of the most common lies that lead to divorce:

1. My spouse doesn’t make me happy anymore.

It may be true that you’re unhappy, but it’s a lie to think that your spouse has the power or the responsibility to make you happy. Putting the pressure on your spouse to create your happiness puts an unrealistic burden on both of you and puts more value on your unstable feelings than on your foundational commitment. You need to first and foremost seek Holiness in your relationship with Jesus Christ. Then and only then can the overflow of His love produce happiness.

2. It would be easier to start over with someone new than to try and fix our relationship.

When you’ve been through lots of difficulties and frustrations in your marriage, it may seem easier to find the Exit Door and imagine starting over with somebody new, but the truth is that you’ll be taking all the unresolved pain and selfishness you hold with you into a new relationship, so you’re going to have to deal with it either way. You’re better off fixing what you’ve got than throwing it away. Seek Godly counsel and focus on what God expects from you as a spouse. As Christians, we have the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit to renew and recharge any marriage, we just must choose to submit to that power.

3. The kids will be fine.

If you have children of any age, they’ll be negatively impacted in greater ways than you can imagine. You are displaying to each of them that a commitment made first before God and second to your family, is disposable. The divorce of a child’s parents (even if those children are nearly grown or adults themselves) almost always has emotionally devastating consequences. To believe otherwise is to believe one of the most dangerous lies about divorce.

4. We’ll never be able to make it work.

I’m not saying it will be easy, but Kerry and I have seen many couples come back from terrible places of loneliness and betrayal to create amazing marriages that are centered on God. Couples who make it aren’t the ones who never have a reason to get divorced, they’re the ones who decide that their commitment to one another is always more important than their differences and flaws. Keep fighting for each other and don’t give up! Your marriage is always worth the effort. When you choose to fight for your marriage, God will bless that decision, maybe not right away, but in the generations to come.


We don't have all the answers; however, we rely on God's word and His Spirit to daily guide us in our marriage. We decided a long time ago that we would never have an EXIT DOOR and we choose to love each other every day and grow closer by His hand.


It's a choice...either believe the lies and focus on yourself or believe the One who originally ordained your marriage.


Again, it's your choice.

Who are you a Bond-Servant to?

I once posed a question on our Facebook page, "Who or what are you a Bond-Servant/Slave to?"  After a week, I have only received 2 comments.  My prayer is that the question would stir up thoughts and emotions and make someone think.  It did me.

To fully understand this question, we must define Bond-Servant.  It is the Greek word, doulos(1401), which means servant or slave.  One who voluntarily gives himself up to another’s will, devoted to another to the disregard of one’s own interest. 

Great picture from that definition.  Paul refers to himself as a Bond-Servant to Christ five times in his letters.  Spiritual leaders of the New Testament; John, Peter, James, take the title of Bond-Servant.

  

So let’s again approach the question, “Who or what are you a Bond-Servant to?”  What are you a slave to? There are the worldly desires that we can be a slave to that many times sound justifiable.  “I need to put in those long hours so as to support my family.”  “All these practices and activities are going to help my child become better rounded.” “I only drink so as to help unwind from the day, I don’t have a problem, and I am still in control.”  “I really deserve this (place in here any major expense that will place a financial strain on the family).”   See how easy it is to become a slave to work, money, our children, even alcohol?

Then, for some, it comes in the form of emotional desires; lust, anger, deceit, pride, negative expressions.  Do you find yourself frequently apologizing for your actions or at least having to explain why you reacted in that manner?  Is there the pull to give your emotions and feelings to someone other than your spouse? Are you one who needs to make sure your feelings of injustice are heard rather than allowing His will to unfold?

Jesus Christ is the only One to whom we should become a Bond-Servant.  The key is to be totally devoted to should voluntary submission to Him. When one says that he or she will serve Him, that they do it without regards to their own interests or selfish wants and desires.

 

It starts with the command that Jesus gives us, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.”  Luke 9:23 NASB emphasis mine   We must deny our motives and agenda, voluntarily submit our lives to Jesus daily, and begin walking with Him.

He, Himself, states, “I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.”  John 15:5 NASB   It is a daily walk with our Lord and Savior.  It starts with repentance, turning from sin and turning to God, and then maintaining this relationship through obedience and faith. You must abide. 

Again, ask for God to reveal to you what you are allowing yourself to be a slave to. Things of this world or things of God?  When God shows you the unrighteousness in your life, start practicing the Truth, step into the Light and let your deeds be manifested as being wrought by God. 

Bananas...it's not just for snack time anymore...

Found this article vewry interwseting. I personally enjoy fruit. Am always one to attempt to grab a piece of fruit before junk food...not alwyas succesful; however, I do try on occasion. So along come this articel on the value of bananas. After reading it, just thought I would share. It comes from the web site, Nature Knows. Enjoy:

After Reading This, You’ll Never Look At A Banana In The Same Way Again 

This is interesting. After reading this, you’ll never look at a banana in the same way again. Bananas contain three natural sugars – sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world’s leading athletes. But energy isn’t the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet. 

DEPRESSION 

According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier. 

PMS: Forget the pills – eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood. 

ANEMIA 

High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

 

BLOOD PRESSURE

This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit’s ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

BRAIN POWER 

200 students at a Twickenham school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert. 

CONSTIPATION 

High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives. 

HEARTBURN 

Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief. 

MORNING SICKNESS 

Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness. 

MOSQUITO BITES

Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation. 

NERVES 

Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.. Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady. 

ULCERS 

The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chroniclercases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach. 

TEMPERATURE CONTROL 

Many other cultures see bananas as a ‘cooling’ fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature. So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has FOUR TIMES the protein, TWICE the carbohydrate, THREE TIMES the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals.. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, ‘A BANANA a day keeps the doctor away!’ 

Refocus Your Focus

Since the beginning of the school year, without even realizing it, Kerry and I have been making more time for the two of us to be together. With Samantha and Ryne starting their lives together and Baylee becoming more independent and preparing for her Senior year as a "still guided by her parents" adult, we have discovered that we are entering into a new and exciting chapter in our lives. We are reclaiming "Our Time" again as husband and wife! 

We are starting a C25K workout, that's a "couch to 5K" style workout to slowly increase our endurance to run a 5K in its entirety. We have also found time to team teach our adult Sunday School class these past weeks. And we still are doing our best to have our weekly "date night" with each other. In other words, it's our time again. 

We do not want to wake up some morning in the future and look at each other and wonder what we do now...the girls are grown up, they have moved out of the house...and now what? That is a scary place to be in a marriage of 20 plus years. It takes preventive measures and steps as a husband and wife. We realize how important it is to not only build, but maintain that foundation of our marriage. It did not happen over night, it took years of making it a priority. So with that key word here are just a few ideas on how to refocus your focus on each other.

1. Prioritize Your Marriage: Make sure your kids know what we’re doing to plant that seed in their young minds that their Mommy and Daddy love each other and make their marriage a priority. Through your words, actions, and deeds towards one another, do your children see your marriage as a priority or as a chore?

2. Laughter: The amount of laughter in your marriage is like the fuel needle on a car telling you how full your tank is. Early on in a relationship, there’s usually all kinds of laughter, but as the stresses of life set in, that laughter is often replaced with silence and sometimes even apathy. Life can be hard sometimes, and there are moments when crying together is the only appropriate response, but make laughter a priority and you’ll find that fun fuels a marriage!  Seriously, find time to laugh and enjoy each other's sense of humor.

3. Put Down the Social Media: Take time to enjoy the "moments" together and make those moments become "memories." Too often we are focused on our phones and all that is happening in the world that we neglect those within our reach. Turn them off, put them down, and look into each other's eyes as you communicate to each other...which leads into the next one.

4. Communicate: Most women measure the health of the relationship by the frequency of the communication. Couples that prioritize conversations and minimize the distractions that keep them apart tend to be a whole lot stronger. Set apart time each day to turn off the cell phones and carve out time to talk. Maybe it's over a cup of coffee, a walk around the neighborhood, or even some quiet time on the couch. The whole idea is to stop, make eye contact with each other, do not let yourselves be distracted and talk.

5. Sex: Yes, that's right...sex. Most men measure the health of their marriage by the frequency of sex. Granted, there’s a lot more to a marriage than sex, but couples that prioritize what happens the bedroom tend to be a lot stronger in all aspects of the relationship. Don’t be afraid to schedule time for making love. It sounds like it takes the spontaneous moments away, but in the busy seasons of life, you’ve got to schedule everything that’s important or it usually won’t happen. There will still be plenty of opportunities to be spontaneous!

6. Stay God-Centered: The more you love God, the more capacity you will have to love your spouse, your kids and yourself. Make your relationship with Him the foundation of your life and everything else will fall into place. Take time to grow in your relationship with Him. Start first with the Bond that God is the center of your relationship...Holiness, and then the union between you and your spouse will be blessed. 

These are just some of our thoughts. Do you have any to add?

Enjoy the blessings of your God-ordained marriage!

Here is the next in Jonathan McKee's series on "Guardrails." If you are enjoying these messages, then I encourage you to follow Jonathan and sign up to have his blogs directly e-mailed to you. Click here to get to his blog page or click here to go to his web page, The Source 4 Parents.

“Do you allow your teenagers to download anything they want? Do you check their text messages? Do they have a bedtime?”


This week I’ve been writing about the process of setting guardrails, and today is the day I post some of the guardrails I use in my home. If you’ve been reading this series of posts, you know this process doesn’t start with arbitrarily implementing rules that seem to make sense at the time. Guardrails are only as good as the road.


The process for setting guardrails looks like this:

1. Embark on the road of Biblical truth (I talked about this in my first post in the series). 
2. Plot your trip, knowing where you’ll be, by when (yesterday’s post). 
3. And finally… set guardrails that keep you from veering off course (we’ll talk about that in today’s post). 

Now that we’ve embarked on the road of Biblical truth, and made a plan for our journey, which in my house, is a plan that includes no rules by age 17½ … now it’s time to set some healthy guardrails.


Here’s some thoughts to consider when setting guardrails: 

• Do these rules help teach our kids discernment, or do these rules do all the thinking for them? This isn’t a catchall rule. When we say, “Bedtime is 10:00!” it’s not necessarily going to teach them to think about proper sleep habits. But whenever possible, consider making some guardrails that help your kids think about the decision-making process. For example: if you make them talk about the lyrics of a song before downloading, that opens doors to teach them about discernment, equipping them to make that decision on their own. 
• Do these rules provide opportunities for us to dialogue with them? Our kids would actually prefer a chance to talk about something rather than just standing at attention when you whistle. A guardrail that prompts them to talk with you is a great excuse to spend more time in conversation. 
• When setting media guidelines, include “co-viewing” as much as possible. Think about this. Which would you prefer? “No PG-13 movies!” or “Let’s look this one up and see what it’s about, then let’s go watch it together and discuss it afterwards.” Sure, this won’t always work. Inevitably you’ll receive a phone call from your kid when she’s spending the night with all her friends from church, and that uninformed parent will be allowing the group to watch Rock of Ages because it’s PG-13. That’s when you have to make a really tough decision. Do you make your kid face the humility of being the only girl who isn’t allowed to see that garbage, forcing the whole group to watch Facing the Giantsagain? These are the situations that make parenting difficult. These are also the situations that really help you communicate with other parents proactively about their plans in the future. 
• Set age and gender-appropriate guidelines. If we’re talking about media guardrails, realize that boys are more visual, and girls are more emotional. If my boy was 15, he would be waaaaaaaaaaay more affected by all the sensuality of Rock of Ages, and I would probably say “no” for sure in that example above. But my 16 or 17-year-old girl… not so much. So I might reluctantly choose to let her watch it, and not embarrass her, telling her, “I’ve heard that film is trash, but I’m going to let you make the call on this one. Let’s just connect for lunch tomorrow and you can tell me all about it, cool?” 

So enough “pre-guardrail” talk. What are some good guardrails?


Let me be the first to admit that my guardrails are not THE correct guardrails. I only list them as an example. I almost hesitate to post them because that almost defeats the purpose of what I’ve been trying to teach… learning how to discern for ourselves. So please don’t just copy these and use them. Use the process we’ve been talking about all week and come up with guardrails that fit your exact situation.


Yes, I’ve “borrowed” a few of these from some of my friends. It’s shrewd to glean wisdom from others in the body of Christ. You might glean a few of mine.


A Few of the McKee Family Guidelines:

• No MTV, period. We watch all kinds of TV, but this is one network that has truly sold out. I’ve worked with kids for 20 years and have never seen a young person glean anything good from MTV. Call me extreme if you like, but we don’t watch it. I find that most parents that do allow this channel in their homes haven’t taken the time to actually watch it with their kids. 
• We discuss all secular music before downloading. Yes, we allow secular music in my house. I’m looking at the top of the iTunes charts right now and I see clean stuff from Taylor Swift, Phillip Phillips, Adele, Train, Carly Rae- Jepsen… even Psy. I’m not going to say “no” to this stuff. My kids and I have had some good conversations about these songs. We’ve also had some conversations about some of the inappropriate songs of late from Ke$ha, Bruno Mars, Maroon 5 and Flo Rida. I didn’t have to say “no” to any of those because my daughters decided “no” for themselves. You can get a glimpse of what these conversations might look like in this post, “Can I Download Nicki Minaj?” (or I dedicated a whole chapter to this subject in my parenting book). 
• Only worship music the first and last hour of the day. Is this somewhere in the Bible? This is actually a rule that my friend Al Menconi came up with years ago to help us live a life of worship. We tried it and really loved the results. Even though we have no problem with secular music, there is something special about starting and ending your day in praise. My kids have griped about this one at times, but admitted its effectiveness over and over again. 
• Mobile phone off at night. No exceptions. Kids need 9 hours 15 minutes of sleep per night, and they average 7 and a half. Technology is mostly to blame for this. One of the recent studies showed that one in ten 13-18-year olds are awakened after they go to bed every night or almost every night by a phone call, text or email. 28% of this age group leaves their phone ringers on all night. 
• One computer for the kids in a room we all share. This really helps my kids avoid the temptation of browsing somewhere dangerous. We actually had some porn blocks when my son was younger, removing those when he turned 17 (a gradual segue from heavy guidance to little guidance). But the location of this computer alone provided some accountability. This thinking is backed by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) in their 2010 report, Sexuality, Contraception and the Media, where they strongly recommend no screens in the bedroom. Interestingly, this report was written before the majority of teenagers (58%) had internet on their phones! (One more hurdle for parents today… one more opportunity for conversation.) 
• Mom and I can check Facebook, text messages, etc. any time we want. Yes, we have their passwords. And yes, many parents don’t enforce this. Today’s kids think they have a right to privacy. Yes, they have a right to change clothes in their bedrooms without us barging in, but no, they don’t have a right to chat with some 16-year-old model they met from Orange County via Facebook (who is really a 44-year-old, naked, harry serial killer from Cleveland). My daughter Alyssa doesn’t think that checking her texts is fair—many of you have read my blog post about this where she explains her reasoning. 

Yes, we have a few other guidelines, like leaving the door open if they have someone of the opposite sex in the room. We don’t actually have most of these guidelines posted or written out, and they haven’t proved to be too cumbersome.

No Rules by Age 17½

I know it has been three weeks since I said I was going to share Jonathan McKee's series on "Guardrails." I apologize for the delay, but without further delay...Here is article 2 of the 5 articles in the series...

“My kids need guidelines! What rules should I impose?”

Not so fast. What good are guardrails if we don’t even know where the road is going?

Yesterday I proposed that guardrails are only part of any road taken, and the biggest question to consider is… where is this road going? Once parents provide a Biblical foundation for their values, then the guardrails can flow from this truth.

So I guess the process looks like this:
Embark on the road of Biblical truth (I talked about this in yesterday’s post).
Plot your trip, knowing where you’ll be, by when (we’ll talk about that in today’s post).
And finally… set guardrails that keep you from veering off course.

So let’s talk about “plotting our trip,” to continue using the road analogy. In other words, where do we want our kids to be, and by when?

No rules by 17½
My goal is that my daughters won’t have any rules by age 17½.

Some parents think I’m nuts. But consider my reasoning.
If I did my job right, my 17½-year-old will need very little guidance at this point anyway.
They’re free to do what they want at 18 anyway, so I might as well let em’ have a trial run while I’m still there to pick em’ up when they fall.

Parents need to look at the big picture and “plot their trip.” I don’t think many people would argue that toddlers need a lot of guidance. If we’re playing with our two-year-old son on the front lawn and he starts heading toward the busy street, not many parents would just let him run off, with a, “Let him learn the hard way!” Parents understand toddlers need lots of guardrails!

On the opposite extreme, when our kids get to age 18, they can pack their bags, move out, join the army and tell us where we can shove it (hopefully the situation won’t be that dire). At this point we can’t impose any guardrails. They are on their own. Hopefully, by then we will have already prepared them for making decisions in the real world.

Are all 18-year-olds ready to make decisions on their own? Sadly, no. But the reality is, when they are 18, they can legally move out, get their own place, and begin making all their own choices. So I guess the big question is, how do I “plot the trip” and slowly prepare them for real world decision making by the time they are age 18?

My goal is to get them there by 17½ so they can begin experiencing this freedom while still under my shadow.

Some parents obviously don’t have their eyes on the calendar. They don’t realize that the date is rapidly approaching when their kid will be free from the prison-camp they were raised in. The overprotective parent enforces so many rules and regulations, the teenager never learns to make decisions on their own. Every decision was already made for them. They were just handed a list of rules:

LEGALISTIC RULES

Lady Gaga- no, she’s the devil

R-rated movies- no way

Amy Grant- nope, adulteress

…and the list goes on

How is this going to teach our kids discernment?

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, we have the overly-permissive parent. This parent really doesn’t want to be overprotective, so they just let their kids do anything they want. They figure, “They gotta learn sometime!” So their 8-year-old girl has every song she wants on her iPod, their 12-year-old boy has a TV in his bedroom with a Showtimesubscription, and their 15-year-old girl has her boyfriend over to spend the night several nights a week.

I think most parents would agree that neither extreme is good.

So how do we set guidelines?

A Segue
I think the needed balance is a segue—a gradual decrease—from heavy guidance to very little guidance. This is basically the concept of incremental independence. When my daughter was 5, I didn’t give her the keys to the car. When my son was 16, I didn’t let him go on a road trip with his girlfriend for the weekend, even if he “promised to be good.”

As parents, we’re used to providing age-appropriate discipline and guidelines:
Toddlers need playpens and cabinet locks so they don’t hurt themselves.
Kindergarteners need discipline when they don’t share their toys.
5th graders might need to have their video games taken away for a week when they hit their sister.
13-year-olds might need to look up the lyrics of a song and discuss it with their parents before downloading it, because the words do affect them.
16-year-olds need to turn their iPhones off at night so they aren’t texting into the midnight hours.

As I mentioned yesterday, these guardrails should all help our kids stay on course and begin to teach them good decision-making.
They don’t know that a good night’s sleep actually helps them; subsequently, we impose a bedtime so they can get the needed 9+ hours of sleep. By age 16 or 17, they might begin see the value in a good night’s sleep.
They don’t realize that texting while driving is dangerous, so we tell them, if they ever text while driving, they lose both a car and a phone! If they ever see the real world consequences of someone texting and driving—a ticket, an accident, injury or death—then they begin to see and experience the logic behind this guardrail.
They don’t recognize all the subtle lies of the media, so they have to watch certain TV shows with parents first, discussing the content and seeing if it’s appropriate. Parents don’t just label shows “good” or “bad,” but teach them to think Biblically about their entertainment choices.

As our kids get older, we will incrementally be able to trust them with more and more decision-making. When my daughter was 13, we looked at all music lyrics together and talked about them before she could download them. When she was 15, I wouldn’t check the lyrics, I just asked her, “Did you Google the lyrics?” She would tell me she had, and we’d talk for a few minutes about the song (it helps that I’m researching this stuff for my job, so I can tell that she wasn’t just making stuff up). By 16, I gave her permission to download without asking, but then we’d discuss it. (It helps that we “homeshare” with the same iTunes account. So anything she downloads, I get.)

In short, as my kids grew older, I expanded their freedom. I did this recently with my 17-year-old (she’s nearing 17½), talking with her about why she wanted to go to the homecoming dance, and eventually letting her make the choice. I think she chose wisely.

This segue from high guidance to low guidance is filled with opportunities for conversations. The more conversations, the better. Watch TV together and talk about it. Download music together and discuss it. Have weekly breakfasts or coffee together and talk about real life.

Then… when your kid turns 17½ let them free to make their own decisions… 6 months early!Think about it:
This is only 6-months before they can do it anyway.
This way, if they fail, they do it in the safety of your shadow, and you are there to pick them up.

Does this mean I’m going to let me daughter have a boyfriend over to spend the night? Nope. I still have rules of the house (and luckily she wouldn’t do that anyway). Just like my 19-year-old son who’s living at home this year while attending college—he can do whatever he wants, but while choosing to live at home, he has certain guidelines like telling us when he’ll be home. We’ve also given him incentives, like if he gets a 3.5 GPA, we pay for his gas.

My daughter Alyssa will have this kind of freedom in a few months when she’s 17½. At that point, she finally gets to download what she wants (but we’ll still have conversations about music), she finally gets to watch whatever she wants (and she probably won’t watch much different), she finally gets to stay up as late as she wants (she’s usually tired and goes to bed early right now)… but she is the one making the decisions.

Are you getting your teenager ready for that day?

In my next post I talk about what guardrails I’ve actually set to help my kids prevent veering off course.

Six Essentials for Making Discipline Work In Your Home

Consistency is the Key to Raising Responsible Kids
An article from Jim Burns at TheSource4Parents.com

When it comes to discipline, our kids probably don’t know that, in many ways, we parents are making it up as we go along.

Each child has a different personality, and along with it a unique twist on the discipline issue. But, here’s what I tell parents all the time: “Get on the same page.”

As a couple, you need to use the same philosophy of discipline and grace. Consistency is the key to raising responsible kids.

If you are married, work together with your spouse so that you do not get worn down. If you are single, first try to get on the same page with your ex, and if that doesn’t happen, then work overtime at having a plan and following the plan. Seek the support of others who understand what you are going through.

Because you want to be on the same page with your spouse and, to some extent, with your kids, you will want to create a common language with expressed expectations. When parents work together toward the same goal, it makes it much easier to raise responsible kids.


Here are six essentials for making discipline work in your home:

1. Rules without relationship equals rebellion. All families have rules and expectations, but what they also need is relationship. Just today, I blew this essential. I was taking my daughter out to lunch. The moment we got in the car, I started confronting her about some school issues and other problems I had with her at the time. I immediately put her on the defensive. The conversation went cold.

Fortunately, I remembered essential number one, dropped the school issues for the moment, and just started asking her about life, friends, and stuff that wasn’t so important to me but vital to her. Her spirit opened back up to me. We did what most teens and preteens do: we just hung out. We laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. As we were getting out of the car, she brought up her school issues and we had a good, non-defensive conversation. Timing when to lay down the rules and when to engage in relationship are big deals for practicing grace and discipline.

2. Choose Your Battles Wisely. Not every problem is worth fighting over. If you are finding yourself growing more and more agitated when your kids act up, chances are that you’re trying to fight too many battles on too many fronts. If you are going to battle an issue, then you’d better be right and you had better win. We have a “no argue” rule in our home. A very wise counselor once told Cathy and I, “When dealing with a strong-willed child, don’t argue. Period.”

Let me remind you that you are not running a democracy. I’ve often had to tell people, “You are the parent, so act like it!” Win the battle at all costs, or suffer the consequences. And don’t forget that you can win a battle and still lose the war. Parents who don’t choose their battles wisely can end up lacking the energy and resources to stay in engaged down the road.

3. Nagging doesn’t work. Nagging is a very poor way to parent. It shuts down intimacy and it sets your kids up for future failure. Are you planning to follow them to college and nag? Your children will get used to decision-making propelled by nagging, and then have an unhealthy relationship with their spouse. In my opinion, nagging is a lazy way to parent your children.

A home filled with negativity and criticism simply breeds rebellion and exponential amounts of negativity. In fact, here is the Biblical standard on this subject, “And now a word to you parents. Don’t keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves, with suggestions and godly advice.” (Ephesians 6:4 TLB)

4. Yelling crushes and shuts down your child’s spirit. The more you yell, the less they hear. The message your children will hear if you are yelling is that you are mad at them; they won’t hear the meaning of your words. All close relationships make us angry at times, and not all anger is bad. However, yelling is a signal that something else is going on inside us. Someone once said, “Parents need to out-mature, not out-power, their kids.” Parents who resort to yelling will find it not only upsetting, but also ineffective.

5. Don’t be afraid to admit your mistakes. If you made a misjudgment or acted unwisely, jump at the chance to apologize to your child. Contrary to what many parents think, this won’t cause them to disrespect you; it actually will bring you closer in the long-run.

I remember a time when Christy was 12 and I totally lost it with her. I shouted at her and demeaned her as I sent her to her room. After I cooled down, and with the help of “the look” from Cathy, I walked into Christy’s room. I got down at eye level to her and I said, “Christy, that outburst was all about me and not about you. I made a mistake. Will you forgive me?” My little 12 year old, tears hovering in her eyes, stretched out her arms ,gave me a big hug, and said, “I forgive you Daddy, and I’m sorry too.” That day, I was shown grace by my daughter. You aren’t perfect, so when you blow it, be quick to admit it. That’s the kind of role model your kids need.

6. Clearly Express Your Expectations. Your children need you to set limits and boundaries. Children generally do have a desire to please their parents. When they do follow their parents’ expectations, they feel good about themselves and feel a greater sense of security. When your expectations were clearly expressed and your child still went against your desire, much of the emotion is taken out of the discipline process.


Excerpted and adapted from Confident Parenting by Jim Burns.

Are You Peculiar?

Are you peculiar?

Do people look at you as odd or different?  Do you find being called “peculiar” offensive? 

The definition of peculiar is one who is odd or strange in nature and behavior.  One who is distinctive in character from others.  One who belongs exclusively to one person or group.  Now, does that describe you as a Christian?  Let me explain…

Paul writes to Titus in chapter 2 on the duties and responsibilities of the seasoned followers of Christ to the younger, newer believers.  He closes chapter 2 with a reiteration of the Gospel and who we are in Him.  In verse 14 he says, “who gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds.”  emphasis mine

That phrase, “His own possession”, is a Greek word meaning peculiar.  It is a compound of two words that apart mean, to be around.  So let me see if I can better explain just how truly wonderful it is to be peculiar in Him by the way Ken Wuest describes it.

Draw a circle.  In the middle of the circle, draw a dot.  Now label the circle, God and label the dot, follower of Christ.  Let’s notice some things about this circle and dot.

The circle completely monopolizes the dot.  The circle has the dot all to itself.  Nothing can get to the dot unless it comes into contact and is allowed to cross through by the circle. 

Now do you see how truly powerful it is to be His possession, to be peculiar in Him?  God has us all to Himself. We are His own, private possession.  No temptation or trial can reach us unless it goes through God first, 1 Cor. 10:13. As we walk, stay obedient and repentive, in the center of God’s Will, He will not permit the enemy to confront us with a temptation too great for us, nor can a time of testing or trial reach us unless it comes through the permissive will of god and when that happens, God’s grace will be given to bear that temptation/trial. 

So when others look at us, do they see a peculiar person?  One who is distinctive in character from others?  One who belongs to Christ Jesus because of their words, actions, and deeds?  I should hope so. 

So here is to being peculiar!

Guardrails Are Only as Good as The Road

Starting this Monday, I am excited to pass on Jonathan McKee's series on "Guardrails." Jonathan McKee is the president of The Source for Youth Ministry, is the author of numerous books including the new Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent, and youth ministry books like Ministry By Teenagers, Connect: Real Relationships in a World of Isolation, and the award winning book Do They Run When They See You Coming? You may remember that last Fall Jonathan came and spoke to our families at Eastern Hills. His truth and candidness was refreshing and very eye-opening. Jonathan and his wife Lori, and their three teenagers Alec, Alyssa and Ashley live in California. Here is the first of 5 articles in this series. 

This week I’m posting a series in this blog about the guardrails parents need to set along the road of life. After all, I’m asked the same question at every parenting workshop I teach. It usually sounds something like this: “In a culture that provides so many profane distractions that are impossible to dodge, what guardrails should I set to protect our kids?”

Nothing like being under the gun—when I’m asked that question during a ‘question & answer’ time where the format provides only one to two minutes for answers. I’m always thinking, I teach a two hour workshop on this very subject… how am I gonna answer this in two minutes!

I guess the short answer is this:

Guardrails are only part of any road taken. The biggest question to consider is… where is this road going?

This brings up the foundational issue of ones values. What are your values based on? What is your purpose? If our kids are true believers, then hopefully, they are putting Christ at the center of their life and seeking to become more like Him. All their decisions should flow from this sense of value and purpose. The boundaries we impose should probably keep them from veering off course, but not end up being roadblocks to learning healthy discernment.

Embarking on the Road of Biblical Truth
Our kids need to be hearing the truth. So instead of just setting up rules like, “No R-rated movies”, instead parents need to consider some bigger more foundational questions:
1.Are your kids hearing the truth from God’s word in the home?
2.Do you have a regular time where you meet with your kids—breakfast, coffee, etc.—to build into them and teach them lasting values?
3.Are your kids plugged into a church where they hear Godly teaching?
4.Do your kids have another adult mentor that is discipling them and/or encouraging them in their relationship with God?

If these venues where values are communicated don’t exist, then where is the undergirding for your rules?

The Bible is our best source of truth that will guide their decision-making. For example, when our kids are at school and they are questioning how to treat others, they might reflect on a passage they digested last summer at their Bible study:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (Philippians 2: 3-4, NIV)

As they consider this truth from God’s Word, they realize that they need to consider the needs of others. In the same way, if a teenage boy or girl begins to see sex as something recreational, because almost every character on TV and movies seems to believe this, they will remember what they read in their time along reading the Bible last week:

Flee from sexual immorality (sex outside of marriage). All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. (I Corinthians 6: 18, NIV, parenthetical mine)

The Bible provides truth from which much of their decision-making can flow.

So, am I saying that if our kids read the bible… they don’t need any boundaries from us?

Unfortunately, it’s not that simple.

1.Our guardrails help provide the accountability that keeps them on course. They might have full intention on not having sex before they’re married, but they lack the wisdom and discernment to understand exactly what “fleeing” looks like. Your son might not realize that hanging out at his girlfriends house when her parents aren’t home is flirting with disaster. Your daughter might not realize the pressure that a boyfriend can put on her when she puts herself in precarious situations.

2.The Bible doesn’t provide guardrails for everything. What time should our kids go to bed? Should junior high boys shower every day? Can our teenagers leave their cell phones powered on and available on their nightstand all night long? The Bible doesn’t touch on these issues, but parents might need to enforce rules that help their kids (especially younger kids) learn some of this basic wisdom.

Parents can help their kids stay on course by setting guardrails.

So what are some common guardrails that we might want to consider setting?

Next Monday I will continue this series with Jonathan's post, “No Rules by Age 17½.”

Dirty Windows or Blurred Vision?

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? —Matthew 7:3



I recently read a story about a business owner who constantly complained about the dirty windows of his competitor’s store, directly across the street from his own. Perhaps it was just his pet peeve, but the store owner complained continually to other business owners in the community about how his competitor’s dirty windows were a disgrace to the community, and how it could reflect poorly on his own business.

Another local shopkeeper, tired of hearing the owner’s ongoing complaints, suggested that he set a good example and wash his own store windows. The store owner took the shopkeeper’s advice and washed his own windows. The following day, the two met for coffee and the store owner remarked, “You were right. It worked! As soon as I washed my windows, my competitor must have washed their store windows also! This morning I noticed from my store that they were clean and shining!”

The store owner had simply suffered from blurred vision. He judged his competitor wrongly! When he cleaned the windows of his own store, he was able to see that his competitor’s windows were also clean!

Sometimes, we look at others with blurred vision. We see things in other people’s lives that we don’t think are right or acceptable and find fault with them. We judge them. Sometimes, like the store owner we complain to others about the faults we think we see. But, too often when we find fault in others it is simply because our own vision is blurry. I know, for example, when I find fault in others it is often regarding issues I have in my own life. I find that I have a tendency to project real faults in myself – onto others – who most likely don’t have those faults at all. Jesus warns us not to judge others (Matthew 7:1) and addresses the issue saying, “...first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5).

Today, when you are tempted to judge or complain about someone, take a moment first to see if it is only your own vision that is blurred.

4 principles for raising your kids… while doing ministry

This week's guest blog post is from Doug Fields. I for one am very skeptical on the viewed "perception" of PK's (Pastor's Kids) and what is being portrayed on Lifetime's show, Preacher's Daughters. Since Kerry and I have lived the life thus far with two daughters who are PK's, I am cautious and deliberate on being active in raising our daughters. Doug's blog hits this right on the head for me. Since he shared so much of what I was feeling, I just rather share his entire blog.

4 principles for raising your kids… while doing ministry
by doug fields

I was honored to be asked to speak at the HIM Conference this last weekend in Waiki, HI. It’s an amazing conference with strong communicators such as Francis Chan, Tony Campolo, Dr. Gary Chapman (5 Love Language fame), and Nancy Duarte (who presented a fascinating message on communication). I had never been and I hope to return… a really good conference.

One of the workshops I presented there was titled, Raising Kids While Doing Ministry. When I was a young minister I feared that ministry would wound my family. I had heard numerous stories of the crazed “PK” (pastor’s kid) who was out of control—they were common stories. Actually, this premises still seems to gather attention and is currently being promoted by the show Preachers’ Daughter.

Today, our kids are 24, 21, & 18 and all love Jesus, the church, and their family. Raising our kids in ministry worked for us and wasn’t the colossal failure that I had feared.

When Cathy and I sat down to identify some principles that could be connected to intentional actions, we came up with the following four. I’m sure there’s more, but these are ones we can say that we intentionally sought out. They are:


1.The PERKS principle: we included our kids in our ministry as soon as they were born. Our kids got to go places and do things that most kids didn't (camps and conferences). There are perks of being in ministry—you just have to look for them (i.e. keys to the sanctuary, access to the church kitchen/refrigerator, a flexible schedule, etc…).

2.The PEOPLE principle: we surrounded our kids with incredibly wonderful people, friends & mentors. Meetings in our home, amazing volunteers, interns and staff that rubbed shoulders with our family. These were the people who baby-sat, hung-out with, mentored and led our kids closer to Jesus. Our children were influenced by a community of amazing people and we are so grateful.

3. The PRESENCE principle: Because of the flexibility of a ministry schedule (perk), we arranged everything within our calendars to be at our kids’ stuff. Since I didn't work a 9-5, M-F type job, I had the freedom to attend events during the day and coach sports in the afternoon. Ministry kept us busy, but our calendar time kept us focused and present. Our children have adopted this principle and are now present for us and one another.

4. The PERFORMANCE principle: We allowed and encouraged them to be themselves. Ministers teach their congregation that they should be who God created them to be… but, so often within ministry, families want their kids to be who “others” want them to be. This was a tough one for me, but with the help of my wife, I worked hard not to allow my own insecurity (what others would think of me) to wound our children. We became aware at a young age that we needed to either focus on their behavior (behavior modification) or focus on following Jesus. As much as they didn't feel pressure from us, we soon realized that they would feel pressure from others (about being PK’s) and that pressure (from others) was more than enough.

We weren't perfect parents! You won’t be either, but the stories that scared me about raising kids in ministry aren't the only stories out there. The story that was written about family and ministry is one we’d want written again… and we’d want it for others too.

Prayer Stones

If you are ever in my office you will find a small clear container holding polished, iridescent, glass stones. My wife, Kerry, began leaving me these small stones daily, in different locations. They were to be a simple way to tell me that she was praying for me and loving on me. I in turn began praying for her and our daughters each time I would discover a ‘prayer stone.’
This time of prayer has begun a wonderful journey between me and God. As I began to pray for Kerry, Sam and Baylee, the Lord then began to lay other individuals on my heart to pray for. I sought God on a very intimate level. I realized that this prayer time was more than supplication and worship; it was an opportunity for developing a repentant and regenerative heart toward Him.
I need to be right with God before I pray. I have to ask for His forgiveness and ask that He would create in me a new heart, a new attitude. May I say that this is a very humbling experience for me.
Not that I am all there, come on, you all know me and know that I am a work in progress; however, I am progressing toward Him.
During this journey, I meditated on the 51st Psalm. What a beautiful and direct way God has us look at our sinful heart. “The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise.” verse 17 David is a broken man, seeking forgiveness and taking ownership of his sinful actions. It again revealed to me that that is the first step we should all take before coming before the throne of God with our supplications and requests. We must worship Him with a pure heart and clean hands.
Kerry’s ‘prayer stones’ became so much more than precious reminders of our love for each other. They became a way for me to see the power, strength, and humility that prayer and communication with my God can be!
Let us shed that proud exterior and be truly transparent to Him. By asking for forgiveness from our sins and repenting, we will then be that much closer in our relationship with the King.

Romancing Your Wife - 20 Ideas

It seems that during this crazy and fast paced life we all live as husband and wife, and especially as the years increase in our marriages, we forget to romance our spouses. We forget how we treated them when we were dating. They were all we could think of.  We spent many an hour coming up with ways we could show them we love them…then comes children, then comes careers, then comes life…

I was surprised by 5 large, red, Mylar heart balloons today from Kerry. When I asked her what they were for, she replied, “I just wanted you to know how much I love you.” She went out of her way to “romance” me. Yes, we will serve each other as we go throughout the daily routine; however, she went out and did something above and beyond, yet very simple, to just say, “I love you.”

It got me to thinking, when was the last time I truly “romanced” my wife? When was the last time I showed her that I am still madly in love with her by being simply romantic? So as I thought about this, I also tried to come up with 20 ways to romance my wife. As I wrote these down, I also realized that I have not done all these, but I should take time to. We are to be “one flesh” with our wives, we are to be active in our marriages, to “serve and preserve” the families God has ordained for each of us. I will use this list as a stepping stone and become more active in the “romance” of my beloved.

Hopefully you will find some of these helpful too...

1. Develop a special sign or secret word just for her that communicates your love.

2. Using dry-erase markers, leave a note to your sweetie on the bathroom mirror.

3. Look in her eyes and just listen.

4. Over coffee ask your wife, “What are the three most romantic times we've had together?” Remember what they are and make plans to do them again.

5. Next time you’re sitting with your wife in church, reach out and put your arm around her.

6. Hold her hand whenever you are in public together.

7. Compliment your wife in front of others-especially your kids! You may be the only one in her life who’s doing it.

8. Take time out of your day and cook her dinner. Then have a quiet dinner together. You also clean up too.

9. Leave roses in the front seat of her vehicle-just because.

10. Send her flirtatious text messages for her eyes only.

11. Arrange a date with your wife at least once a month. Mark it on the calendar and take the initiative to make it happen.

12. Next time your favorite team or show is on TV, skip it and take her shopping or out to dinner. Spend time with her instead. Let her know she is the most important person on this earth.

13. Ask your wife to write down three things she’d like you to start doing, three things she’d like you to stop doing, and three things she’d like you to keep doing. Read the list and do it.

14. Arrange for a babysitter and then whisk your wife away on a special day filled with fun things she enjoys.

15. Remember how much you talked when you were dating? How polite you were? Try that for one week and watch what happens.

16. Make each other laugh.

17. Leave her a scavenger hunt of notes and clues for a romantic getaway. Make it another honeymoon and invest in your marriage.

18. Remain faithful to your wife in your heart, in your mind, and in your actions!

19. Remember your wife is God’s gift to you. Thank Him for her daily, and then tell her you did so.

20. Ask God to reveal to you how you can love her like you have never loved her before and how you will never love her like that again, then do it!

Finally, chocolates never hurt either…

So husbands, in closing the best romantic advice I can share with you, “If you want to be a stronger husband, then focus on becoming a stronger disciple of Jesus.” I know for a fact that Kerry finds that the most romantic act I can share with her. 

Daylight Savings Torture … I Mean, Time

With the “delightful” Spring forward that occurred this weekend, I thought this post was worth re-sharing!


I’ve certainly heard it and thought it a million times: “Time changes were created by someone who doesn't have children.”



Trying to get children adjusted to a suddenly adjusted schedule can be daunting at best and torturous at worst. No one wants to go to bed when it’s light outside. Hopes of a later bedtime meaning a later wake-up are often crushed by disoriented toddlers.

Here are some tips on getting your children adjusted to the time change:
Don’t skip naps in hopes of having your child go to sleep earlier. Overtired children often resist sleep.
If your child is old enough to understand, explain the time change and why it began. Not only will this help them understand why it is light outside at 8 p.m., it makes a great history lesson at home!
Don’t be too stringent about bedtime the first week after the time change. Let kids go to sleep 30-45 minutes later than normal and edge back toward their regular bedtime. Keep their routine the same, though, because those steps can communicate “bedtime” more than outside conditions.
A friend suggests having your child use a sleeping mask as young as age 4. This helps block out sunlight and allows them to get to sleep despite light coming in the windows. She said it really did the trick for her daughter!

Also interesting is that exercise helps your body produce seratonin, which aids in resetting your internal clock. So if you are having difficulty adjusting yourself, a good workout might be the remedy!

Adult Child

Our guest writer again this week is John Rosemond, a Christian family counselor and psychologist. Great article on how to deal with the "adult child" in our lives that never seems to grow up. Enjoy...

Adult Child
by John Rosemond

Question: My husband and I have a 21-year-old daughter from his first marriage. She was suspended from college for bad grades and is waiting out her time until she can go back. Meanwhile, she works for my husband to earn a little spending money, but rent and food are free. The problem is that her work performance is consistently poor and she is consistently disrespectful. She won’t listen to instructions and takes forever to do anything. Meanwhile, her dad is going slowly insane. She’s disrespectful at home as well. I think he should fire her; then we should kick her out of the house and let her fend for herself. What do you think?

Answer: Whenever someone asks me if I intend to ever write a book on how to deal with irresponsible, disrespectful young adult children, I answer, "Well, no publisher will accept a book that consists of only two words: Stop Enabling!" As long as this child (her chronological age may be 21, but I estimate her emotional age at 14) can do as she pleases and still enjoy all the comforts of home, she will continue to do as she pleases.

Yes, give her her walking papers, and the sooner the better for all concerned. That is, believe me, the only solution. To grow up, this child needs to experience the slings and arrows of the real world and learn to deal with them without protections. That applies to a lot of young adults these days, by the way.

Copyright 2012, John K. Rosemond

10 Things I Hope Sam and Baylee Have Learned From Our Marriage

Just recently, Kerry and I were asked  if we intentionally taught the girls about marriage.

The answer is yes… and, no.

Yes, there are times when we've talked specifically about marriage (either ours or ones that our kids have observed). But, for the most part, Kerry and I have been wise enough to know that our kids are constantly watching and learning from us. Our actions (both good and bad) are always teaching them about marriage.

I would be thrilled if my daughters had a similar type of marriage that Kerry and I share… it’s definitely not perfect, but we’re both very proud of what we've developed over almost 23 years.

Here are 10 things that I know Samantha and Baylee have observed from us over the years:

1. Affection: Kerry & I are very affectionate and I like having the girls see me holding their mom’s hand, hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc… as often as I can.

2. Saying, “Please forgive me”: I want to be quick to use this phrase and I want my kids to hear me say it (and I have to say it a lot more than Kerry). Too often than not, we also forget to ask for forgiveness from our children.

3. Affirmation: This is one of my primary love languages so it’s easy for me to dish out encouraging words. The girls get a lot of verbal affirmation, but they also hear me directing it towards Kerry (which is really easy).

4. Attraction: I think Kerry is hot… and, I make it known around our family. I’ll regularly say, “ Isn't your mom beautiful?”

5. Time: The girls know that we like to spend time together. When they see us steal time away to go run an errand together, go for a walk, or go on a date night, or sneak away for the weekend…that’s a good message I want them to see.

6. Laughter: We laugh a lot in our house and Kerry's quick wit and amazing sense of humor cracks me up. I like having the girls see that Kerry makes me laugh.

7. Respect: Opening the door for Kerry, saying “thank you” and “please” and showing her simple signs of respect.

8. Faith conversations: We’re not always praying in front of our kids, but they hear and see our faith conversations and know that we’re always talking about Jesus and what it means to be a follower.

9. The value of friends: Our house is well worn from the traffic of friends in/out of our house. We love having people over and the Vivian Casa is a regular hangout for some incredible friends, both the girls and ours.

10. Servanthood: I know the girls have had a great example in Kerry and myself as we have chosen to serve each other throughout our marriage. Always asking, “How can I help? What do you need to make life better?” Serving one another is seen in the daily, little things and there’s many opportunities to serve.

Our children are always watching their parent’s marriage and yet too many marriages underestimate the power of modeling! Children are taking daily recordings of what a marriage looks like and those recordings are definitely influencing and shaping their view of marriage.

Take time to be that reflection of Christ and His love, using your marriage as the foundation, to your children.