Family Traditions

Family traditions…they seemed so much more pronounced during the holidays than any other time of year. Kerry and I were just sharing with the kids, Ryne and Samantha, how they now have the opportunity to begin new family traditions that will begin to define their family for years to come. Such an amazing opportunity for them, as well as for any family. One story that we have shared as a family and have shared with others is the story of “Three Little Trees.” Here is the story for you to possibly share with your family this Christmas and may your lives be filled with traditions that always help you and your family grow in the love of God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

“Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up. The first little tree looked up at the stars and said: “I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I'll be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!" The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on its way to the ocean. “I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings. I'll be the strongest ship in the world! The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. I don't want to leave the mountain top at all. I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world.                                                                                                                            

Years, passed. The rain came, the sun shone and the little trees grew tall. One day three wood cutters climbed the mountain. The first wood cutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the first tree fell. "Now I shall make a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!" the first tree said.                                                                                                                                     

The second wood cutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong. It's perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail mighty waters!" thought the second tree. “I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!" 

                                                                                                                                

The third tree felt her heart sink when the last wood cutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the wood cutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for me." He muttered. With a swoop of his shining ax, the third tree fell.

  

The first tree rejoiced when the wood cutter brought her to a carpenter's shop. But the carpenter fashioned the tree into a feed box for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, or treasure. She was coated with saw dust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals. The second tree smiled when the wood cutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ship was made that day. Instead the once strong tree was hammered and awed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river, instead she was taken to a little lake. The third tree was confused when the wood cutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" The once tall tree wondered. “All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point to God..."  

Many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feed box. "I wish I could make a cradle for him." Her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and sturdy wood. “This manger is beautiful." She said. And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in the world.                          One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake. Soon a thundering and a thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered. She knew she did not have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through the wind and the rain. The tired man awoke. He stood up, stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the king of heaven and earth.

One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten wood pile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hand to her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel. But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed everything. It had made the third tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. That was better than being the tallest tree in the world.”

                                              

The next time you feel down because you didn't get what you wanted, sit tight and be happy because God is thinking of something better to give you.

Merry Christmas!                                                                                                                                                                                                

Joe, Kerry, and Baylee Vivian

The Lies That Lead to Divorce

In the past years that Kerry and I have done marriage counseling, there is usually one common thread that we have encountered; it's the lies that the individuals try to tell themselves so as to justify their dissatisfaction in their marriage. Thus building new lies to justify a divorce. The sad part is, they begin to completely believe these lies.

Currently in America, nearly 55% of all couples who make a vow to love each other “til death do us part” end up calling it quits, so some people believe that the success or failure of their marriage is just a “coin toss” left to chance and completely out of their hands. Kerry and I firmly believe that the basic steps to success in marriage are within your grasp; it’s based on your choice and action...not random chance. It begins by understanding and avoiding some of the strongest reasons why marriages fail. Or better yet, why we allow marriages to fail.

As I stated before, most divorces begin by believing a lie. Here are some of the most common lies that lead to divorce:

1. My spouse doesn’t make me happy anymore.

It may be true that you’re unhappy, but it’s a lie to think that your spouse has the power or the responsibility to make you happy. Putting the pressure on your spouse to create your happiness puts an unrealistic burden on both of you and puts more value on your unstable feelings than on your foundational commitment. You need to first and foremost seek Holiness in your relationship with Jesus Christ. Then and only then can the overflow of His love produce happiness.

2. It would be easier to start over with someone new than to try and fix our relationship.

When you’ve been through lots of difficulties and frustrations in your marriage, it may seem easier to find the Exit Door and imagine starting over with somebody new, but the truth is that you’ll be taking all the unresolved pain and selfishness you hold with you into a new relationship, so you’re going to have to deal with it either way. You’re better off fixing what you’ve got than throwing it away. Seek Godly counsel and focus on what God expects from you as a spouse. As Christians, we have the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit to renew and recharge any marriage, we just must choose to submit to that power.

3. The kids will be fine.

If you have children of any age, they’ll be negatively impacted in greater ways than you can imagine. You are displaying to each of them that a commitment made first before God and second to your family, is disposable. The divorce of a child’s parents (even if those children are nearly grown or adults themselves) almost always has emotionally devastating consequences. To believe otherwise is to believe one of the most dangerous lies about divorce.

4. We’ll never be able to make it work.

I’m not saying it will be easy, but Kerry and I have seen many couples come back from terrible places of loneliness and betrayal to create amazing marriages that are centered on God. Couples who make it aren’t the ones who never have a reason to get divorced, they’re the ones who decide that their commitment to one another is always more important than their differences and flaws. Keep fighting for each other and don’t give up! Your marriage is always worth the effort. When you choose to fight for your marriage, God will bless that decision, maybe not right away, but in the generations to come.


We don't have all the answers; however, we rely on God's word and His Spirit to daily guide us in our marriage. We decided a long time ago that we would never have an EXIT DOOR and we choose to love each other every day and grow closer by His hand.


It's a choice...either believe the lies and focus on yourself or believe the One who originally ordained your marriage.


Again, it's your choice.

Who are you a Bond-Servant to?

I once posed a question on our Facebook page, "Who or what are you a Bond-Servant/Slave to?"  After a week, I have only received 2 comments.  My prayer is that the question would stir up thoughts and emotions and make someone think.  It did me.

To fully understand this question, we must define Bond-Servant.  It is the Greek word, doulos(1401), which means servant or slave.  One who voluntarily gives himself up to another’s will, devoted to another to the disregard of one’s own interest. 

Great picture from that definition.  Paul refers to himself as a Bond-Servant to Christ five times in his letters.  Spiritual leaders of the New Testament; John, Peter, James, take the title of Bond-Servant.

  

So let’s again approach the question, “Who or what are you a Bond-Servant to?”  What are you a slave to? There are the worldly desires that we can be a slave to that many times sound justifiable.  “I need to put in those long hours so as to support my family.”  “All these practices and activities are going to help my child become better rounded.” “I only drink so as to help unwind from the day, I don’t have a problem, and I am still in control.”  “I really deserve this (place in here any major expense that will place a financial strain on the family).”   See how easy it is to become a slave to work, money, our children, even alcohol?

Then, for some, it comes in the form of emotional desires; lust, anger, deceit, pride, negative expressions.  Do you find yourself frequently apologizing for your actions or at least having to explain why you reacted in that manner?  Is there the pull to give your emotions and feelings to someone other than your spouse? Are you one who needs to make sure your feelings of injustice are heard rather than allowing His will to unfold?

Jesus Christ is the only One to whom we should become a Bond-Servant.  The key is to be totally devoted to should voluntary submission to Him. When one says that he or she will serve Him, that they do it without regards to their own interests or selfish wants and desires.

 

It starts with the command that Jesus gives us, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.”  Luke 9:23 NASB emphasis mine   We must deny our motives and agenda, voluntarily submit our lives to Jesus daily, and begin walking with Him.

He, Himself, states, “I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.”  John 15:5 NASB   It is a daily walk with our Lord and Savior.  It starts with repentance, turning from sin and turning to God, and then maintaining this relationship through obedience and faith. You must abide. 

Again, ask for God to reveal to you what you are allowing yourself to be a slave to. Things of this world or things of God?  When God shows you the unrighteousness in your life, start practicing the Truth, step into the Light and let your deeds be manifested as being wrought by God. 

Bananas...it's not just for snack time anymore...

Found this article vewry interwseting. I personally enjoy fruit. Am always one to attempt to grab a piece of fruit before junk food...not alwyas succesful; however, I do try on occasion. So along come this articel on the value of bananas. After reading it, just thought I would share. It comes from the web site, Nature Knows. Enjoy:

After Reading This, You’ll Never Look At A Banana In The Same Way Again 

This is interesting. After reading this, you’ll never look at a banana in the same way again. Bananas contain three natural sugars – sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world’s leading athletes. But energy isn’t the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet. 

DEPRESSION 

According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier. 

PMS: Forget the pills – eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood. 

ANEMIA 

High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

 

BLOOD PRESSURE

This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit’s ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

BRAIN POWER 

200 students at a Twickenham school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert. 

CONSTIPATION 

High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives. 

HEARTBURN 

Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief. 

MORNING SICKNESS 

Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness. 

MOSQUITO BITES

Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation. 

NERVES 

Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.. Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady. 

ULCERS 

The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chroniclercases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach. 

TEMPERATURE CONTROL 

Many other cultures see bananas as a ‘cooling’ fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature. So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has FOUR TIMES the protein, TWICE the carbohydrate, THREE TIMES the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals.. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, ‘A BANANA a day keeps the doctor away!’ 

Refocus Your Focus

Since the beginning of the school year, without even realizing it, Kerry and I have been making more time for the two of us to be together. With Samantha and Ryne starting their lives together and Baylee becoming more independent and preparing for her Senior year as a "still guided by her parents" adult, we have discovered that we are entering into a new and exciting chapter in our lives. We are reclaiming "Our Time" again as husband and wife! 

We are starting a C25K workout, that's a "couch to 5K" style workout to slowly increase our endurance to run a 5K in its entirety. We have also found time to team teach our adult Sunday School class these past weeks. And we still are doing our best to have our weekly "date night" with each other. In other words, it's our time again. 

We do not want to wake up some morning in the future and look at each other and wonder what we do now...the girls are grown up, they have moved out of the house...and now what? That is a scary place to be in a marriage of 20 plus years. It takes preventive measures and steps as a husband and wife. We realize how important it is to not only build, but maintain that foundation of our marriage. It did not happen over night, it took years of making it a priority. So with that key word here are just a few ideas on how to refocus your focus on each other.

1. Prioritize Your Marriage: Make sure your kids know what we’re doing to plant that seed in their young minds that their Mommy and Daddy love each other and make their marriage a priority. Through your words, actions, and deeds towards one another, do your children see your marriage as a priority or as a chore?

2. Laughter: The amount of laughter in your marriage is like the fuel needle on a car telling you how full your tank is. Early on in a relationship, there’s usually all kinds of laughter, but as the stresses of life set in, that laughter is often replaced with silence and sometimes even apathy. Life can be hard sometimes, and there are moments when crying together is the only appropriate response, but make laughter a priority and you’ll find that fun fuels a marriage!  Seriously, find time to laugh and enjoy each other's sense of humor.

3. Put Down the Social Media: Take time to enjoy the "moments" together and make those moments become "memories." Too often we are focused on our phones and all that is happening in the world that we neglect those within our reach. Turn them off, put them down, and look into each other's eyes as you communicate to each other...which leads into the next one.

4. Communicate: Most women measure the health of the relationship by the frequency of the communication. Couples that prioritize conversations and minimize the distractions that keep them apart tend to be a whole lot stronger. Set apart time each day to turn off the cell phones and carve out time to talk. Maybe it's over a cup of coffee, a walk around the neighborhood, or even some quiet time on the couch. The whole idea is to stop, make eye contact with each other, do not let yourselves be distracted and talk.

5. Sex: Yes, that's right...sex. Most men measure the health of their marriage by the frequency of sex. Granted, there’s a lot more to a marriage than sex, but couples that prioritize what happens the bedroom tend to be a lot stronger in all aspects of the relationship. Don’t be afraid to schedule time for making love. It sounds like it takes the spontaneous moments away, but in the busy seasons of life, you’ve got to schedule everything that’s important or it usually won’t happen. There will still be plenty of opportunities to be spontaneous!

6. Stay God-Centered: The more you love God, the more capacity you will have to love your spouse, your kids and yourself. Make your relationship with Him the foundation of your life and everything else will fall into place. Take time to grow in your relationship with Him. Start first with the Bond that God is the center of your relationship...Holiness, and then the union between you and your spouse will be blessed. 

These are just some of our thoughts. Do you have any to add?

Enjoy the blessings of your God-ordained marriage!

Here is the next in Jonathan McKee's series on "Guardrails." If you are enjoying these messages, then I encourage you to follow Jonathan and sign up to have his blogs directly e-mailed to you. Click here to get to his blog page or click here to go to his web page, The Source 4 Parents.

“Do you allow your teenagers to download anything they want? Do you check their text messages? Do they have a bedtime?”


This week I’ve been writing about the process of setting guardrails, and today is the day I post some of the guardrails I use in my home. If you’ve been reading this series of posts, you know this process doesn’t start with arbitrarily implementing rules that seem to make sense at the time. Guardrails are only as good as the road.


The process for setting guardrails looks like this:

1. Embark on the road of Biblical truth (I talked about this in my first post in the series). 
2. Plot your trip, knowing where you’ll be, by when (yesterday’s post). 
3. And finally… set guardrails that keep you from veering off course (we’ll talk about that in today’s post). 

Now that we’ve embarked on the road of Biblical truth, and made a plan for our journey, which in my house, is a plan that includes no rules by age 17½ … now it’s time to set some healthy guardrails.


Here’s some thoughts to consider when setting guardrails: 

• Do these rules help teach our kids discernment, or do these rules do all the thinking for them? This isn’t a catchall rule. When we say, “Bedtime is 10:00!” it’s not necessarily going to teach them to think about proper sleep habits. But whenever possible, consider making some guardrails that help your kids think about the decision-making process. For example: if you make them talk about the lyrics of a song before downloading, that opens doors to teach them about discernment, equipping them to make that decision on their own. 
• Do these rules provide opportunities for us to dialogue with them? Our kids would actually prefer a chance to talk about something rather than just standing at attention when you whistle. A guardrail that prompts them to talk with you is a great excuse to spend more time in conversation. 
• When setting media guidelines, include “co-viewing” as much as possible. Think about this. Which would you prefer? “No PG-13 movies!” or “Let’s look this one up and see what it’s about, then let’s go watch it together and discuss it afterwards.” Sure, this won’t always work. Inevitably you’ll receive a phone call from your kid when she’s spending the night with all her friends from church, and that uninformed parent will be allowing the group to watch Rock of Ages because it’s PG-13. That’s when you have to make a really tough decision. Do you make your kid face the humility of being the only girl who isn’t allowed to see that garbage, forcing the whole group to watch Facing the Giantsagain? These are the situations that make parenting difficult. These are also the situations that really help you communicate with other parents proactively about their plans in the future. 
• Set age and gender-appropriate guidelines. If we’re talking about media guardrails, realize that boys are more visual, and girls are more emotional. If my boy was 15, he would be waaaaaaaaaaay more affected by all the sensuality of Rock of Ages, and I would probably say “no” for sure in that example above. But my 16 or 17-year-old girl… not so much. So I might reluctantly choose to let her watch it, and not embarrass her, telling her, “I’ve heard that film is trash, but I’m going to let you make the call on this one. Let’s just connect for lunch tomorrow and you can tell me all about it, cool?” 

So enough “pre-guardrail” talk. What are some good guardrails?


Let me be the first to admit that my guardrails are not THE correct guardrails. I only list them as an example. I almost hesitate to post them because that almost defeats the purpose of what I’ve been trying to teach… learning how to discern for ourselves. So please don’t just copy these and use them. Use the process we’ve been talking about all week and come up with guardrails that fit your exact situation.


Yes, I’ve “borrowed” a few of these from some of my friends. It’s shrewd to glean wisdom from others in the body of Christ. You might glean a few of mine.


A Few of the McKee Family Guidelines:

• No MTV, period. We watch all kinds of TV, but this is one network that has truly sold out. I’ve worked with kids for 20 years and have never seen a young person glean anything good from MTV. Call me extreme if you like, but we don’t watch it. I find that most parents that do allow this channel in their homes haven’t taken the time to actually watch it with their kids. 
• We discuss all secular music before downloading. Yes, we allow secular music in my house. I’m looking at the top of the iTunes charts right now and I see clean stuff from Taylor Swift, Phillip Phillips, Adele, Train, Carly Rae- Jepsen… even Psy. I’m not going to say “no” to this stuff. My kids and I have had some good conversations about these songs. We’ve also had some conversations about some of the inappropriate songs of late from Ke$ha, Bruno Mars, Maroon 5 and Flo Rida. I didn’t have to say “no” to any of those because my daughters decided “no” for themselves. You can get a glimpse of what these conversations might look like in this post, “Can I Download Nicki Minaj?” (or I dedicated a whole chapter to this subject in my parenting book). 
• Only worship music the first and last hour of the day. Is this somewhere in the Bible? This is actually a rule that my friend Al Menconi came up with years ago to help us live a life of worship. We tried it and really loved the results. Even though we have no problem with secular music, there is something special about starting and ending your day in praise. My kids have griped about this one at times, but admitted its effectiveness over and over again. 
• Mobile phone off at night. No exceptions. Kids need 9 hours 15 minutes of sleep per night, and they average 7 and a half. Technology is mostly to blame for this. One of the recent studies showed that one in ten 13-18-year olds are awakened after they go to bed every night or almost every night by a phone call, text or email. 28% of this age group leaves their phone ringers on all night. 
• One computer for the kids in a room we all share. This really helps my kids avoid the temptation of browsing somewhere dangerous. We actually had some porn blocks when my son was younger, removing those when he turned 17 (a gradual segue from heavy guidance to little guidance). But the location of this computer alone provided some accountability. This thinking is backed by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) in their 2010 report, Sexuality, Contraception and the Media, where they strongly recommend no screens in the bedroom. Interestingly, this report was written before the majority of teenagers (58%) had internet on their phones! (One more hurdle for parents today… one more opportunity for conversation.) 
• Mom and I can check Facebook, text messages, etc. any time we want. Yes, we have their passwords. And yes, many parents don’t enforce this. Today’s kids think they have a right to privacy. Yes, they have a right to change clothes in their bedrooms without us barging in, but no, they don’t have a right to chat with some 16-year-old model they met from Orange County via Facebook (who is really a 44-year-old, naked, harry serial killer from Cleveland). My daughter Alyssa doesn’t think that checking her texts is fair—many of you have read my blog post about this where she explains her reasoning. 

Yes, we have a few other guidelines, like leaving the door open if they have someone of the opposite sex in the room. We don’t actually have most of these guidelines posted or written out, and they haven’t proved to be too cumbersome.

No Rules by Age 17½

I know it has been three weeks since I said I was going to share Jonathan McKee's series on "Guardrails." I apologize for the delay, but without further delay...Here is article 2 of the 5 articles in the series...

“My kids need guidelines! What rules should I impose?”

Not so fast. What good are guardrails if we don’t even know where the road is going?

Yesterday I proposed that guardrails are only part of any road taken, and the biggest question to consider is… where is this road going? Once parents provide a Biblical foundation for their values, then the guardrails can flow from this truth.

So I guess the process looks like this:
Embark on the road of Biblical truth (I talked about this in yesterday’s post).
Plot your trip, knowing where you’ll be, by when (we’ll talk about that in today’s post).
And finally… set guardrails that keep you from veering off course.

So let’s talk about “plotting our trip,” to continue using the road analogy. In other words, where do we want our kids to be, and by when?

No rules by 17½
My goal is that my daughters won’t have any rules by age 17½.

Some parents think I’m nuts. But consider my reasoning.
If I did my job right, my 17½-year-old will need very little guidance at this point anyway.
They’re free to do what they want at 18 anyway, so I might as well let em’ have a trial run while I’m still there to pick em’ up when they fall.

Parents need to look at the big picture and “plot their trip.” I don’t think many people would argue that toddlers need a lot of guidance. If we’re playing with our two-year-old son on the front lawn and he starts heading toward the busy street, not many parents would just let him run off, with a, “Let him learn the hard way!” Parents understand toddlers need lots of guardrails!

On the opposite extreme, when our kids get to age 18, they can pack their bags, move out, join the army and tell us where we can shove it (hopefully the situation won’t be that dire). At this point we can’t impose any guardrails. They are on their own. Hopefully, by then we will have already prepared them for making decisions in the real world.

Are all 18-year-olds ready to make decisions on their own? Sadly, no. But the reality is, when they are 18, they can legally move out, get their own place, and begin making all their own choices. So I guess the big question is, how do I “plot the trip” and slowly prepare them for real world decision making by the time they are age 18?

My goal is to get them there by 17½ so they can begin experiencing this freedom while still under my shadow.

Some parents obviously don’t have their eyes on the calendar. They don’t realize that the date is rapidly approaching when their kid will be free from the prison-camp they were raised in. The overprotective parent enforces so many rules and regulations, the teenager never learns to make decisions on their own. Every decision was already made for them. They were just handed a list of rules:

LEGALISTIC RULES

Lady Gaga- no, she’s the devil

R-rated movies- no way

Amy Grant- nope, adulteress

…and the list goes on

How is this going to teach our kids discernment?

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, we have the overly-permissive parent. This parent really doesn’t want to be overprotective, so they just let their kids do anything they want. They figure, “They gotta learn sometime!” So their 8-year-old girl has every song she wants on her iPod, their 12-year-old boy has a TV in his bedroom with a Showtimesubscription, and their 15-year-old girl has her boyfriend over to spend the night several nights a week.

I think most parents would agree that neither extreme is good.

So how do we set guidelines?

A Segue
I think the needed balance is a segue—a gradual decrease—from heavy guidance to very little guidance. This is basically the concept of incremental independence. When my daughter was 5, I didn’t give her the keys to the car. When my son was 16, I didn’t let him go on a road trip with his girlfriend for the weekend, even if he “promised to be good.”

As parents, we’re used to providing age-appropriate discipline and guidelines:
Toddlers need playpens and cabinet locks so they don’t hurt themselves.
Kindergarteners need discipline when they don’t share their toys.
5th graders might need to have their video games taken away for a week when they hit their sister.
13-year-olds might need to look up the lyrics of a song and discuss it with their parents before downloading it, because the words do affect them.
16-year-olds need to turn their iPhones off at night so they aren’t texting into the midnight hours.

As I mentioned yesterday, these guardrails should all help our kids stay on course and begin to teach them good decision-making.
They don’t know that a good night’s sleep actually helps them; subsequently, we impose a bedtime so they can get the needed 9+ hours of sleep. By age 16 or 17, they might begin see the value in a good night’s sleep.
They don’t realize that texting while driving is dangerous, so we tell them, if they ever text while driving, they lose both a car and a phone! If they ever see the real world consequences of someone texting and driving—a ticket, an accident, injury or death—then they begin to see and experience the logic behind this guardrail.
They don’t recognize all the subtle lies of the media, so they have to watch certain TV shows with parents first, discussing the content and seeing if it’s appropriate. Parents don’t just label shows “good” or “bad,” but teach them to think Biblically about their entertainment choices.

As our kids get older, we will incrementally be able to trust them with more and more decision-making. When my daughter was 13, we looked at all music lyrics together and talked about them before she could download them. When she was 15, I wouldn’t check the lyrics, I just asked her, “Did you Google the lyrics?” She would tell me she had, and we’d talk for a few minutes about the song (it helps that I’m researching this stuff for my job, so I can tell that she wasn’t just making stuff up). By 16, I gave her permission to download without asking, but then we’d discuss it. (It helps that we “homeshare” with the same iTunes account. So anything she downloads, I get.)

In short, as my kids grew older, I expanded their freedom. I did this recently with my 17-year-old (she’s nearing 17½), talking with her about why she wanted to go to the homecoming dance, and eventually letting her make the choice. I think she chose wisely.

This segue from high guidance to low guidance is filled with opportunities for conversations. The more conversations, the better. Watch TV together and talk about it. Download music together and discuss it. Have weekly breakfasts or coffee together and talk about real life.

Then… when your kid turns 17½ let them free to make their own decisions… 6 months early!Think about it:
This is only 6-months before they can do it anyway.
This way, if they fail, they do it in the safety of your shadow, and you are there to pick them up.

Does this mean I’m going to let me daughter have a boyfriend over to spend the night? Nope. I still have rules of the house (and luckily she wouldn’t do that anyway). Just like my 19-year-old son who’s living at home this year while attending college—he can do whatever he wants, but while choosing to live at home, he has certain guidelines like telling us when he’ll be home. We’ve also given him incentives, like if he gets a 3.5 GPA, we pay for his gas.

My daughter Alyssa will have this kind of freedom in a few months when she’s 17½. At that point, she finally gets to download what she wants (but we’ll still have conversations about music), she finally gets to watch whatever she wants (and she probably won’t watch much different), she finally gets to stay up as late as she wants (she’s usually tired and goes to bed early right now)… but she is the one making the decisions.

Are you getting your teenager ready for that day?

In my next post I talk about what guardrails I’ve actually set to help my kids prevent veering off course.