Here is the next in Jonathan McKee's series on "Guardrails." If you are enjoying these messages, then I encourage you to follow Jonathan and sign up to have his blogs directly e-mailed to you. Click here to get to his blog page or click here to go to his web page, The Source 4 Parents.

“Do you allow your teenagers to download anything they want? Do you check their text messages? Do they have a bedtime?”


This week I’ve been writing about the process of setting guardrails, and today is the day I post some of the guardrails I use in my home. If you’ve been reading this series of posts, you know this process doesn’t start with arbitrarily implementing rules that seem to make sense at the time. Guardrails are only as good as the road.


The process for setting guardrails looks like this:

1. Embark on the road of Biblical truth (I talked about this in my first post in the series). 
2. Plot your trip, knowing where you’ll be, by when (yesterday’s post). 
3. And finally… set guardrails that keep you from veering off course (we’ll talk about that in today’s post). 

Now that we’ve embarked on the road of Biblical truth, and made a plan for our journey, which in my house, is a plan that includes no rules by age 17½ … now it’s time to set some healthy guardrails.


Here’s some thoughts to consider when setting guardrails: 

• Do these rules help teach our kids discernment, or do these rules do all the thinking for them? This isn’t a catchall rule. When we say, “Bedtime is 10:00!” it’s not necessarily going to teach them to think about proper sleep habits. But whenever possible, consider making some guardrails that help your kids think about the decision-making process. For example: if you make them talk about the lyrics of a song before downloading, that opens doors to teach them about discernment, equipping them to make that decision on their own. 
• Do these rules provide opportunities for us to dialogue with them? Our kids would actually prefer a chance to talk about something rather than just standing at attention when you whistle. A guardrail that prompts them to talk with you is a great excuse to spend more time in conversation. 
• When setting media guidelines, include “co-viewing” as much as possible. Think about this. Which would you prefer? “No PG-13 movies!” or “Let’s look this one up and see what it’s about, then let’s go watch it together and discuss it afterwards.” Sure, this won’t always work. Inevitably you’ll receive a phone call from your kid when she’s spending the night with all her friends from church, and that uninformed parent will be allowing the group to watch Rock of Ages because it’s PG-13. That’s when you have to make a really tough decision. Do you make your kid face the humility of being the only girl who isn’t allowed to see that garbage, forcing the whole group to watch Facing the Giantsagain? These are the situations that make parenting difficult. These are also the situations that really help you communicate with other parents proactively about their plans in the future. 
• Set age and gender-appropriate guidelines. If we’re talking about media guardrails, realize that boys are more visual, and girls are more emotional. If my boy was 15, he would be waaaaaaaaaaay more affected by all the sensuality of Rock of Ages, and I would probably say “no” for sure in that example above. But my 16 or 17-year-old girl… not so much. So I might reluctantly choose to let her watch it, and not embarrass her, telling her, “I’ve heard that film is trash, but I’m going to let you make the call on this one. Let’s just connect for lunch tomorrow and you can tell me all about it, cool?” 

So enough “pre-guardrail” talk. What are some good guardrails?


Let me be the first to admit that my guardrails are not THE correct guardrails. I only list them as an example. I almost hesitate to post them because that almost defeats the purpose of what I’ve been trying to teach… learning how to discern for ourselves. So please don’t just copy these and use them. Use the process we’ve been talking about all week and come up with guardrails that fit your exact situation.


Yes, I’ve “borrowed” a few of these from some of my friends. It’s shrewd to glean wisdom from others in the body of Christ. You might glean a few of mine.


A Few of the McKee Family Guidelines:

• No MTV, period. We watch all kinds of TV, but this is one network that has truly sold out. I’ve worked with kids for 20 years and have never seen a young person glean anything good from MTV. Call me extreme if you like, but we don’t watch it. I find that most parents that do allow this channel in their homes haven’t taken the time to actually watch it with their kids. 
• We discuss all secular music before downloading. Yes, we allow secular music in my house. I’m looking at the top of the iTunes charts right now and I see clean stuff from Taylor Swift, Phillip Phillips, Adele, Train, Carly Rae- Jepsen… even Psy. I’m not going to say “no” to this stuff. My kids and I have had some good conversations about these songs. We’ve also had some conversations about some of the inappropriate songs of late from Ke$ha, Bruno Mars, Maroon 5 and Flo Rida. I didn’t have to say “no” to any of those because my daughters decided “no” for themselves. You can get a glimpse of what these conversations might look like in this post, “Can I Download Nicki Minaj?” (or I dedicated a whole chapter to this subject in my parenting book). 
• Only worship music the first and last hour of the day. Is this somewhere in the Bible? This is actually a rule that my friend Al Menconi came up with years ago to help us live a life of worship. We tried it and really loved the results. Even though we have no problem with secular music, there is something special about starting and ending your day in praise. My kids have griped about this one at times, but admitted its effectiveness over and over again. 
• Mobile phone off at night. No exceptions. Kids need 9 hours 15 minutes of sleep per night, and they average 7 and a half. Technology is mostly to blame for this. One of the recent studies showed that one in ten 13-18-year olds are awakened after they go to bed every night or almost every night by a phone call, text or email. 28% of this age group leaves their phone ringers on all night. 
• One computer for the kids in a room we all share. This really helps my kids avoid the temptation of browsing somewhere dangerous. We actually had some porn blocks when my son was younger, removing those when he turned 17 (a gradual segue from heavy guidance to little guidance). But the location of this computer alone provided some accountability. This thinking is backed by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) in their 2010 report, Sexuality, Contraception and the Media, where they strongly recommend no screens in the bedroom. Interestingly, this report was written before the majority of teenagers (58%) had internet on their phones! (One more hurdle for parents today… one more opportunity for conversation.) 
• Mom and I can check Facebook, text messages, etc. any time we want. Yes, we have their passwords. And yes, many parents don’t enforce this. Today’s kids think they have a right to privacy. Yes, they have a right to change clothes in their bedrooms without us barging in, but no, they don’t have a right to chat with some 16-year-old model they met from Orange County via Facebook (who is really a 44-year-old, naked, harry serial killer from Cleveland). My daughter Alyssa doesn’t think that checking her texts is fair—many of you have read my blog post about this where she explains her reasoning. 

Yes, we have a few other guidelines, like leaving the door open if they have someone of the opposite sex in the room. We don’t actually have most of these guidelines posted or written out, and they haven’t proved to be too cumbersome.

No Rules by Age 17½

I know it has been three weeks since I said I was going to share Jonathan McKee's series on "Guardrails." I apologize for the delay, but without further delay...Here is article 2 of the 5 articles in the series...

“My kids need guidelines! What rules should I impose?”

Not so fast. What good are guardrails if we don’t even know where the road is going?

Yesterday I proposed that guardrails are only part of any road taken, and the biggest question to consider is… where is this road going? Once parents provide a Biblical foundation for their values, then the guardrails can flow from this truth.

So I guess the process looks like this:
Embark on the road of Biblical truth (I talked about this in yesterday’s post).
Plot your trip, knowing where you’ll be, by when (we’ll talk about that in today’s post).
And finally… set guardrails that keep you from veering off course.

So let’s talk about “plotting our trip,” to continue using the road analogy. In other words, where do we want our kids to be, and by when?

No rules by 17½
My goal is that my daughters won’t have any rules by age 17½.

Some parents think I’m nuts. But consider my reasoning.
If I did my job right, my 17½-year-old will need very little guidance at this point anyway.
They’re free to do what they want at 18 anyway, so I might as well let em’ have a trial run while I’m still there to pick em’ up when they fall.

Parents need to look at the big picture and “plot their trip.” I don’t think many people would argue that toddlers need a lot of guidance. If we’re playing with our two-year-old son on the front lawn and he starts heading toward the busy street, not many parents would just let him run off, with a, “Let him learn the hard way!” Parents understand toddlers need lots of guardrails!

On the opposite extreme, when our kids get to age 18, they can pack their bags, move out, join the army and tell us where we can shove it (hopefully the situation won’t be that dire). At this point we can’t impose any guardrails. They are on their own. Hopefully, by then we will have already prepared them for making decisions in the real world.

Are all 18-year-olds ready to make decisions on their own? Sadly, no. But the reality is, when they are 18, they can legally move out, get their own place, and begin making all their own choices. So I guess the big question is, how do I “plot the trip” and slowly prepare them for real world decision making by the time they are age 18?

My goal is to get them there by 17½ so they can begin experiencing this freedom while still under my shadow.

Some parents obviously don’t have their eyes on the calendar. They don’t realize that the date is rapidly approaching when their kid will be free from the prison-camp they were raised in. The overprotective parent enforces so many rules and regulations, the teenager never learns to make decisions on their own. Every decision was already made for them. They were just handed a list of rules:

LEGALISTIC RULES

Lady Gaga- no, she’s the devil

R-rated movies- no way

Amy Grant- nope, adulteress

…and the list goes on

How is this going to teach our kids discernment?

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, we have the overly-permissive parent. This parent really doesn’t want to be overprotective, so they just let their kids do anything they want. They figure, “They gotta learn sometime!” So their 8-year-old girl has every song she wants on her iPod, their 12-year-old boy has a TV in his bedroom with a Showtimesubscription, and their 15-year-old girl has her boyfriend over to spend the night several nights a week.

I think most parents would agree that neither extreme is good.

So how do we set guidelines?

A Segue
I think the needed balance is a segue—a gradual decrease—from heavy guidance to very little guidance. This is basically the concept of incremental independence. When my daughter was 5, I didn’t give her the keys to the car. When my son was 16, I didn’t let him go on a road trip with his girlfriend for the weekend, even if he “promised to be good.”

As parents, we’re used to providing age-appropriate discipline and guidelines:
Toddlers need playpens and cabinet locks so they don’t hurt themselves.
Kindergarteners need discipline when they don’t share their toys.
5th graders might need to have their video games taken away for a week when they hit their sister.
13-year-olds might need to look up the lyrics of a song and discuss it with their parents before downloading it, because the words do affect them.
16-year-olds need to turn their iPhones off at night so they aren’t texting into the midnight hours.

As I mentioned yesterday, these guardrails should all help our kids stay on course and begin to teach them good decision-making.
They don’t know that a good night’s sleep actually helps them; subsequently, we impose a bedtime so they can get the needed 9+ hours of sleep. By age 16 or 17, they might begin see the value in a good night’s sleep.
They don’t realize that texting while driving is dangerous, so we tell them, if they ever text while driving, they lose both a car and a phone! If they ever see the real world consequences of someone texting and driving—a ticket, an accident, injury or death—then they begin to see and experience the logic behind this guardrail.
They don’t recognize all the subtle lies of the media, so they have to watch certain TV shows with parents first, discussing the content and seeing if it’s appropriate. Parents don’t just label shows “good” or “bad,” but teach them to think Biblically about their entertainment choices.

As our kids get older, we will incrementally be able to trust them with more and more decision-making. When my daughter was 13, we looked at all music lyrics together and talked about them before she could download them. When she was 15, I wouldn’t check the lyrics, I just asked her, “Did you Google the lyrics?” She would tell me she had, and we’d talk for a few minutes about the song (it helps that I’m researching this stuff for my job, so I can tell that she wasn’t just making stuff up). By 16, I gave her permission to download without asking, but then we’d discuss it. (It helps that we “homeshare” with the same iTunes account. So anything she downloads, I get.)

In short, as my kids grew older, I expanded their freedom. I did this recently with my 17-year-old (she’s nearing 17½), talking with her about why she wanted to go to the homecoming dance, and eventually letting her make the choice. I think she chose wisely.

This segue from high guidance to low guidance is filled with opportunities for conversations. The more conversations, the better. Watch TV together and talk about it. Download music together and discuss it. Have weekly breakfasts or coffee together and talk about real life.

Then… when your kid turns 17½ let them free to make their own decisions… 6 months early!Think about it:
This is only 6-months before they can do it anyway.
This way, if they fail, they do it in the safety of your shadow, and you are there to pick them up.

Does this mean I’m going to let me daughter have a boyfriend over to spend the night? Nope. I still have rules of the house (and luckily she wouldn’t do that anyway). Just like my 19-year-old son who’s living at home this year while attending college—he can do whatever he wants, but while choosing to live at home, he has certain guidelines like telling us when he’ll be home. We’ve also given him incentives, like if he gets a 3.5 GPA, we pay for his gas.

My daughter Alyssa will have this kind of freedom in a few months when she’s 17½. At that point, she finally gets to download what she wants (but we’ll still have conversations about music), she finally gets to watch whatever she wants (and she probably won’t watch much different), she finally gets to stay up as late as she wants (she’s usually tired and goes to bed early right now)… but she is the one making the decisions.

Are you getting your teenager ready for that day?

In my next post I talk about what guardrails I’ve actually set to help my kids prevent veering off course.

Six Essentials for Making Discipline Work In Your Home

Consistency is the Key to Raising Responsible Kids
An article from Jim Burns at TheSource4Parents.com

When it comes to discipline, our kids probably don’t know that, in many ways, we parents are making it up as we go along.

Each child has a different personality, and along with it a unique twist on the discipline issue. But, here’s what I tell parents all the time: “Get on the same page.”

As a couple, you need to use the same philosophy of discipline and grace. Consistency is the key to raising responsible kids.

If you are married, work together with your spouse so that you do not get worn down. If you are single, first try to get on the same page with your ex, and if that doesn’t happen, then work overtime at having a plan and following the plan. Seek the support of others who understand what you are going through.

Because you want to be on the same page with your spouse and, to some extent, with your kids, you will want to create a common language with expressed expectations. When parents work together toward the same goal, it makes it much easier to raise responsible kids.


Here are six essentials for making discipline work in your home:

1. Rules without relationship equals rebellion. All families have rules and expectations, but what they also need is relationship. Just today, I blew this essential. I was taking my daughter out to lunch. The moment we got in the car, I started confronting her about some school issues and other problems I had with her at the time. I immediately put her on the defensive. The conversation went cold.

Fortunately, I remembered essential number one, dropped the school issues for the moment, and just started asking her about life, friends, and stuff that wasn’t so important to me but vital to her. Her spirit opened back up to me. We did what most teens and preteens do: we just hung out. We laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. As we were getting out of the car, she brought up her school issues and we had a good, non-defensive conversation. Timing when to lay down the rules and when to engage in relationship are big deals for practicing grace and discipline.

2. Choose Your Battles Wisely. Not every problem is worth fighting over. If you are finding yourself growing more and more agitated when your kids act up, chances are that you’re trying to fight too many battles on too many fronts. If you are going to battle an issue, then you’d better be right and you had better win. We have a “no argue” rule in our home. A very wise counselor once told Cathy and I, “When dealing with a strong-willed child, don’t argue. Period.”

Let me remind you that you are not running a democracy. I’ve often had to tell people, “You are the parent, so act like it!” Win the battle at all costs, or suffer the consequences. And don’t forget that you can win a battle and still lose the war. Parents who don’t choose their battles wisely can end up lacking the energy and resources to stay in engaged down the road.

3. Nagging doesn’t work. Nagging is a very poor way to parent. It shuts down intimacy and it sets your kids up for future failure. Are you planning to follow them to college and nag? Your children will get used to decision-making propelled by nagging, and then have an unhealthy relationship with their spouse. In my opinion, nagging is a lazy way to parent your children.

A home filled with negativity and criticism simply breeds rebellion and exponential amounts of negativity. In fact, here is the Biblical standard on this subject, “And now a word to you parents. Don’t keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves, with suggestions and godly advice.” (Ephesians 6:4 TLB)

4. Yelling crushes and shuts down your child’s spirit. The more you yell, the less they hear. The message your children will hear if you are yelling is that you are mad at them; they won’t hear the meaning of your words. All close relationships make us angry at times, and not all anger is bad. However, yelling is a signal that something else is going on inside us. Someone once said, “Parents need to out-mature, not out-power, their kids.” Parents who resort to yelling will find it not only upsetting, but also ineffective.

5. Don’t be afraid to admit your mistakes. If you made a misjudgment or acted unwisely, jump at the chance to apologize to your child. Contrary to what many parents think, this won’t cause them to disrespect you; it actually will bring you closer in the long-run.

I remember a time when Christy was 12 and I totally lost it with her. I shouted at her and demeaned her as I sent her to her room. After I cooled down, and with the help of “the look” from Cathy, I walked into Christy’s room. I got down at eye level to her and I said, “Christy, that outburst was all about me and not about you. I made a mistake. Will you forgive me?” My little 12 year old, tears hovering in her eyes, stretched out her arms ,gave me a big hug, and said, “I forgive you Daddy, and I’m sorry too.” That day, I was shown grace by my daughter. You aren’t perfect, so when you blow it, be quick to admit it. That’s the kind of role model your kids need.

6. Clearly Express Your Expectations. Your children need you to set limits and boundaries. Children generally do have a desire to please their parents. When they do follow their parents’ expectations, they feel good about themselves and feel a greater sense of security. When your expectations were clearly expressed and your child still went against your desire, much of the emotion is taken out of the discipline process.


Excerpted and adapted from Confident Parenting by Jim Burns.

Are You Peculiar?

Are you peculiar?

Do people look at you as odd or different?  Do you find being called “peculiar” offensive? 

The definition of peculiar is one who is odd or strange in nature and behavior.  One who is distinctive in character from others.  One who belongs exclusively to one person or group.  Now, does that describe you as a Christian?  Let me explain…

Paul writes to Titus in chapter 2 on the duties and responsibilities of the seasoned followers of Christ to the younger, newer believers.  He closes chapter 2 with a reiteration of the Gospel and who we are in Him.  In verse 14 he says, “who gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds.”  emphasis mine

That phrase, “His own possession”, is a Greek word meaning peculiar.  It is a compound of two words that apart mean, to be around.  So let me see if I can better explain just how truly wonderful it is to be peculiar in Him by the way Ken Wuest describes it.

Draw a circle.  In the middle of the circle, draw a dot.  Now label the circle, God and label the dot, follower of Christ.  Let’s notice some things about this circle and dot.

The circle completely monopolizes the dot.  The circle has the dot all to itself.  Nothing can get to the dot unless it comes into contact and is allowed to cross through by the circle. 

Now do you see how truly powerful it is to be His possession, to be peculiar in Him?  God has us all to Himself. We are His own, private possession.  No temptation or trial can reach us unless it goes through God first, 1 Cor. 10:13. As we walk, stay obedient and repentive, in the center of God’s Will, He will not permit the enemy to confront us with a temptation too great for us, nor can a time of testing or trial reach us unless it comes through the permissive will of god and when that happens, God’s grace will be given to bear that temptation/trial. 

So when others look at us, do they see a peculiar person?  One who is distinctive in character from others?  One who belongs to Christ Jesus because of their words, actions, and deeds?  I should hope so. 

So here is to being peculiar!

Guardrails Are Only as Good as The Road

Starting this Monday, I am excited to pass on Jonathan McKee's series on "Guardrails." Jonathan McKee is the president of The Source for Youth Ministry, is the author of numerous books including the new Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent, and youth ministry books like Ministry By Teenagers, Connect: Real Relationships in a World of Isolation, and the award winning book Do They Run When They See You Coming? You may remember that last Fall Jonathan came and spoke to our families at Eastern Hills. His truth and candidness was refreshing and very eye-opening. Jonathan and his wife Lori, and their three teenagers Alec, Alyssa and Ashley live in California. Here is the first of 5 articles in this series. 

This week I’m posting a series in this blog about the guardrails parents need to set along the road of life. After all, I’m asked the same question at every parenting workshop I teach. It usually sounds something like this: “In a culture that provides so many profane distractions that are impossible to dodge, what guardrails should I set to protect our kids?”

Nothing like being under the gun—when I’m asked that question during a ‘question & answer’ time where the format provides only one to two minutes for answers. I’m always thinking, I teach a two hour workshop on this very subject… how am I gonna answer this in two minutes!

I guess the short answer is this:

Guardrails are only part of any road taken. The biggest question to consider is… where is this road going?

This brings up the foundational issue of ones values. What are your values based on? What is your purpose? If our kids are true believers, then hopefully, they are putting Christ at the center of their life and seeking to become more like Him. All their decisions should flow from this sense of value and purpose. The boundaries we impose should probably keep them from veering off course, but not end up being roadblocks to learning healthy discernment.

Embarking on the Road of Biblical Truth
Our kids need to be hearing the truth. So instead of just setting up rules like, “No R-rated movies”, instead parents need to consider some bigger more foundational questions:
1.Are your kids hearing the truth from God’s word in the home?
2.Do you have a regular time where you meet with your kids—breakfast, coffee, etc.—to build into them and teach them lasting values?
3.Are your kids plugged into a church where they hear Godly teaching?
4.Do your kids have another adult mentor that is discipling them and/or encouraging them in their relationship with God?

If these venues where values are communicated don’t exist, then where is the undergirding for your rules?

The Bible is our best source of truth that will guide their decision-making. For example, when our kids are at school and they are questioning how to treat others, they might reflect on a passage they digested last summer at their Bible study:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (Philippians 2: 3-4, NIV)

As they consider this truth from God’s Word, they realize that they need to consider the needs of others. In the same way, if a teenage boy or girl begins to see sex as something recreational, because almost every character on TV and movies seems to believe this, they will remember what they read in their time along reading the Bible last week:

Flee from sexual immorality (sex outside of marriage). All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. (I Corinthians 6: 18, NIV, parenthetical mine)

The Bible provides truth from which much of their decision-making can flow.

So, am I saying that if our kids read the bible… they don’t need any boundaries from us?

Unfortunately, it’s not that simple.

1.Our guardrails help provide the accountability that keeps them on course. They might have full intention on not having sex before they’re married, but they lack the wisdom and discernment to understand exactly what “fleeing” looks like. Your son might not realize that hanging out at his girlfriends house when her parents aren’t home is flirting with disaster. Your daughter might not realize the pressure that a boyfriend can put on her when she puts herself in precarious situations.

2.The Bible doesn’t provide guardrails for everything. What time should our kids go to bed? Should junior high boys shower every day? Can our teenagers leave their cell phones powered on and available on their nightstand all night long? The Bible doesn’t touch on these issues, but parents might need to enforce rules that help their kids (especially younger kids) learn some of this basic wisdom.

Parents can help their kids stay on course by setting guardrails.

So what are some common guardrails that we might want to consider setting?

Next Monday I will continue this series with Jonathan's post, “No Rules by Age 17½.”

Dirty Windows or Blurred Vision?

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? —Matthew 7:3



I recently read a story about a business owner who constantly complained about the dirty windows of his competitor’s store, directly across the street from his own. Perhaps it was just his pet peeve, but the store owner complained continually to other business owners in the community about how his competitor’s dirty windows were a disgrace to the community, and how it could reflect poorly on his own business.

Another local shopkeeper, tired of hearing the owner’s ongoing complaints, suggested that he set a good example and wash his own store windows. The store owner took the shopkeeper’s advice and washed his own windows. The following day, the two met for coffee and the store owner remarked, “You were right. It worked! As soon as I washed my windows, my competitor must have washed their store windows also! This morning I noticed from my store that they were clean and shining!”

The store owner had simply suffered from blurred vision. He judged his competitor wrongly! When he cleaned the windows of his own store, he was able to see that his competitor’s windows were also clean!

Sometimes, we look at others with blurred vision. We see things in other people’s lives that we don’t think are right or acceptable and find fault with them. We judge them. Sometimes, like the store owner we complain to others about the faults we think we see. But, too often when we find fault in others it is simply because our own vision is blurry. I know, for example, when I find fault in others it is often regarding issues I have in my own life. I find that I have a tendency to project real faults in myself – onto others – who most likely don’t have those faults at all. Jesus warns us not to judge others (Matthew 7:1) and addresses the issue saying, “...first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5).

Today, when you are tempted to judge or complain about someone, take a moment first to see if it is only your own vision that is blurred.

4 principles for raising your kids… while doing ministry

This week's guest blog post is from Doug Fields. I for one am very skeptical on the viewed "perception" of PK's (Pastor's Kids) and what is being portrayed on Lifetime's show, Preacher's Daughters. Since Kerry and I have lived the life thus far with two daughters who are PK's, I am cautious and deliberate on being active in raising our daughters. Doug's blog hits this right on the head for me. Since he shared so much of what I was feeling, I just rather share his entire blog.

4 principles for raising your kids… while doing ministry
by doug fields

I was honored to be asked to speak at the HIM Conference this last weekend in Waiki, HI. It’s an amazing conference with strong communicators such as Francis Chan, Tony Campolo, Dr. Gary Chapman (5 Love Language fame), and Nancy Duarte (who presented a fascinating message on communication). I had never been and I hope to return… a really good conference.

One of the workshops I presented there was titled, Raising Kids While Doing Ministry. When I was a young minister I feared that ministry would wound my family. I had heard numerous stories of the crazed “PK” (pastor’s kid) who was out of control—they were common stories. Actually, this premises still seems to gather attention and is currently being promoted by the show Preachers’ Daughter.

Today, our kids are 24, 21, & 18 and all love Jesus, the church, and their family. Raising our kids in ministry worked for us and wasn’t the colossal failure that I had feared.

When Cathy and I sat down to identify some principles that could be connected to intentional actions, we came up with the following four. I’m sure there’s more, but these are ones we can say that we intentionally sought out. They are:


1.The PERKS principle: we included our kids in our ministry as soon as they were born. Our kids got to go places and do things that most kids didn't (camps and conferences). There are perks of being in ministry—you just have to look for them (i.e. keys to the sanctuary, access to the church kitchen/refrigerator, a flexible schedule, etc…).

2.The PEOPLE principle: we surrounded our kids with incredibly wonderful people, friends & mentors. Meetings in our home, amazing volunteers, interns and staff that rubbed shoulders with our family. These were the people who baby-sat, hung-out with, mentored and led our kids closer to Jesus. Our children were influenced by a community of amazing people and we are so grateful.

3. The PRESENCE principle: Because of the flexibility of a ministry schedule (perk), we arranged everything within our calendars to be at our kids’ stuff. Since I didn't work a 9-5, M-F type job, I had the freedom to attend events during the day and coach sports in the afternoon. Ministry kept us busy, but our calendar time kept us focused and present. Our children have adopted this principle and are now present for us and one another.

4. The PERFORMANCE principle: We allowed and encouraged them to be themselves. Ministers teach their congregation that they should be who God created them to be… but, so often within ministry, families want their kids to be who “others” want them to be. This was a tough one for me, but with the help of my wife, I worked hard not to allow my own insecurity (what others would think of me) to wound our children. We became aware at a young age that we needed to either focus on their behavior (behavior modification) or focus on following Jesus. As much as they didn't feel pressure from us, we soon realized that they would feel pressure from others (about being PK’s) and that pressure (from others) was more than enough.

We weren't perfect parents! You won’t be either, but the stories that scared me about raising kids in ministry aren't the only stories out there. The story that was written about family and ministry is one we’d want written again… and we’d want it for others too.